Friday, February 02, 2007
Listening to Digital Love by Daft punk.
Feeling....realistic not EMO (people always think just 'cause your expressing how you feel, your being EMO, EMO is dislike your life and wanting to end it not expressing how you feel in a formal matter)
Uhm, what can I say, its a Friday night, Im at home, cant figure out what to say/reply in Naz's email, have been drinking alot of green tea, and feeling oh so FAT!!! So me ish goiin to the gym tomorrow with Chris. School hasn't been bad, I mean no more girl drama so thats good, buut Im starting to realize how important my studies and exams are, we had the "your future" talk with Mrs.Sanderson, and it hit me so hard on my face, on how much I have to study/revise for this exam, 'cause without this results I go no where, not even IB, Mrs.Sanderson said that to get into IB we need to fill in the forms, on what subjects we want then, Her, Mr.Powell and Mr.Canterford will look at our results and decide which letter we get, the thing is its not about getting to IB, but getting into UNI, if I dont get good grades for my I/GCSE then I dont get into UNI or IB, which means I have to go to some collage, what if that doesnt work out, what if I become a bum, living off my parents money, like those "people" what then? Am I allowed to make my own decision about what Im gonna do for the rest of my life? what if that doesnt work out? I dont even know what I want to be, while everyone else does, should I be making these decisions at 16 which will affect me in 5-10 years time, or possibly sooner. All these questions keep poping up and Im like "shit". sometimes I wish I could see my future, just to know that I will be ok. The pressure of doing well in my life has just sunk in, from 3 parents who I dont even see, so how do I know if im making the right desicions? People think its so easy, and fun I mean no parents, I can do whatever I want, well, I guess it is somehow, cause its not like they've been there all the time when I was young anyway, maybe thats why Im like this, all the guys, drinking, smoking, clubbing, shopping so much, maybe this is my cry to them. Yeah sure, Im a teenager Im supposed to try drinking and smoking, but where is the limit of trying and not, I drink like every weekend. And it not that I mind, but to find out that Im a big disapointment to my uncle and aunt and how they blame me for being a bad influence to my cousin Charlotte and Iris, just pisses me off, yeah I know, Im not perfect but to blame me for their childrens doings cause they are too daft, blind and ignorant to see what their children wants and needs is just fucking stupid, they dont know what their girls do behind their backs but do they care? no the only solution is "Cynthia is influencing them, so lets not tell them off cause they dont have a mind of their own to think, lets blame it all on Cynthia" how big of them.
It feels like Im walking on ice here, anyways Im gonna ciao for now, the meds are kicking in hehe.
xoxo
ciao
"Dont for once think my life is perfect and easy, just 'cause I get what I want"
L o V i N g Y o U
6:03 AM
